My Secret Vice........

Gis a job!!

I have a secret vice.

And its time I came clean.
And...as my hero would say..."It's time I came clean on National Television!"

I love watching daytime therapy programmes.

I used to be hooked on Jerry Springer. Used to just dabble at weekends you know, just to be sociable. Maybe a touch of Montel too.......just to set me up for the day.

I was in denial for a while, saying I did not have a problem...I could handle it.But then it got into a downward spiral leading from Oprah to Trisha..........now I am hooked on the hard stuff.

Most mornings you will find me 'main-lining' the king of Satan's little helpers.Yes, I am addicted to Jeremy Kyle.

(Well to be honest here.....and all joking aside....I like to watch it NOT because of the Victorian, fascist advice he doles out - which is reason alone for putting a boot through the telly- but I REALLY get off on the advice puked out by the 'voice of the hive' which is the Jeremy Kyle audience. )

The moral majority who have never put a foot wrong in their perfect life's.

Sitting there in their nylon shell suits and bling bling, dispensing cheers and boos and sage advice as directed by the King of the Damned, Jeremy.

I have learnt so much from these people. Exactly what a 'proper' mother should and not do. Exactly what is and is not a 'proper' job. Precisely how a 'proper' father should conduct himself. Exactly what the 'proper' ways of doing sex are. And a thousand and one other ready packaged pieces of advice - ideal for those poor souls who are not sure if they are managing to 'fit incorrectly.

It’s wonderful and so easy to learn. You got a problem or moral dilemma plaguing you? The answer is SO simple.

Hold the problem in your mind and ask yourself "What WOULD Jeremy Kyle do?" A 'state sanctioned beliefs and behaviour' guide for the hard of thinking.

I could do that.

Gis' a job!

(........Something I want to add here. It seems that I am not the only human that finds Jeremy Kyle's obnoxious use of the English language a complete ball ache. I was on the net this evening and came across this Jeremy Kyle drinking game, based on his catch phrases. It seems very similar to 'Bull-shit Bingo' in essence.)

Enjoy!!

"The Jeremy Kyle Drinking game uses basic rules based on Jeremy's catch phrases (see below), allowing that a single shot or two fingers worth of beer must be drunk when a catch phrase is said. A glass is placed in the centre of the room also and, whenever Jeremy mentions either his brother or his ex-girlfriend or daughter, everyone must add a portion of their drink to the central glass. On the occasion when Jeremy uses the phrase "Somebody think of the kids" "There are children involved here" or words to that effect, the group must do an activity. The last person to complete the task must then drink from the glass in the centre of the room. "

"Let's NAIL this"

"Two sides to every story"

"FACT!"

"True or false?" "Yes or no?" "This is important; look at me"

"Let's draw a line in the sand"

"Everybody gets their say"

"I'm being [totally/completely] honest with you" "Be honest"

"Let's cut to the chase"

"Great respect to you" / "Total respect to you" / "No disrespect to you"

"It’s no good saying/let’s stop all this/He said She said"

"Let's move forward" "I actually believe you can do it" "We have to do this"

"I feel sorry for the unborn child"

"We can start today" ".... on national television"

"Let's bring in the other parts of the equation"

"You're a disgrace, madam!"

"Fair play to you, mates" "Fair play"

"Will you do it - just for me?"

"The child is the innocent in all of this"

"The man who takes somebody else's child on deserves the most enormous amount of respect, don't you think, ladies and gentlemen?"

"Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?"

"Go out, get a job, and work like the rest of us have to!"

"Me and every other taxpayer..."

"It's time to wake up and smell the coffee"

"I know about drugs... my brother was a heroin addict"

"This is an issue very close to my heart."

"I won't go into details..."

"I'm 40, I'm getting on a bit."

"Disgraceful!"

"My sister-in-law was a prima ballerina and weighed 4 and a half stone"

"I used to drive through the night to see my kids..."

"A brave lady"

"Do it now..."

CON-TRA-CEP-TION (in aloud and obtuse voice, signalling with his hand as if the word Contraception was in large illuminated writing)

"The Voice of reason...."

Originally posted on Tuesday, November 28, 2006 at 02:15PM